Part 227: Chapter the Thirteenth: My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings.

Chapter the Thirteenth: My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings.
May 20, 2028



18:30 Hullo everybody. This is Ed P. for the Guardian and I'm live here in the Millienium Stadium on a gorgeous early summer day here in Cardiff. The sun is out, the roof is open, and the question is now whether the Wrexham Red Dragons can do what only Ajax, Bayern, and Real Madrid have done before; win a third consecutive European Cup. In their way stand Juventus, and the revitalized Italian giant is fresh off a 98 point scudetto winning season that saw them outscore their opponents by 50 goals.



18:40 Also at stake is the capstone to Wrexham's unbelievable season, which has seen them take every piece of silverware that hasn't been nailed down as they've racked up an unbelievable six honors in six competitions. Can they make it seven for seven? I tend to doubt it, their successes have been more than a little lucky in my opinion.



18:45 A major question in the run up to this match is the availability of Scott Shirra. The Wrexham and Scottish midfielder was on the bench for Wrexham's disturbingly thorough eradication of much beloved Tackleford City in the FA Cup final, but his fitness has still been called into question as we approach this match. It does appear that he will be in the lineup to start the match, however. A dangerous choice for a match that could well go to extra time.



18:50 One thing is already certain, however. Wrexham will be adding at least one trophy to their exponentially expanding total today, as they claimed the continental youth trophy for the first time ever a few short hours ago.



18:55 Juventus is using a three man back line and wingbacks, with one of the three central midfielders dropped deep. Will a defense that allowed barely half a goal a match stymie a "vaunted" Wrexham attack that has scored an even 200 goals in 67 matches going back to the Community Shield last August and allow the Bianconeri to counterpunch their way to glory?
Starting XI: Vincent Blom, Mikel Santamaria, captain Sebastian Martinez, Marcello Cangini, Miso Babnik, Vyacheslav Klyagin, Felix Gonzalez, Kevin Tooth, Juraj Medgyes, Mark Stam, Marcos Munoz.
On the Bench: Paolo Mariani, Gianmarco Di Marco, Vasily Kondratyuk, Joilson, Robert van Amersfoort, Rene De Bruyn, Eitan Shina.



18:58 Manager Scott Brown is determined to live or die on the restoration of the antiquated Pyramid tactic; we've seen it defeat Manchester United this season and yet be undone by Crystal Palace. Which will it be today? Will he prove triumphant, or be crushed by the weight of his wild hubris? He's hedging his bet at least a little, with fullbacks James Loseille and Steve Reed on the bench to be brought in if and (more likely in your humble correspondent's opinion) when things go pear shaped.
Starting XI: Kojiro Minami, Dramane Tounkara, Ed Hammatt, Kamel Zouaghi, Scott Shirra, Matthias Laux, Rodrigo Moctezuma, Isaac Stringel, Ellis Rickard, Thiago, and captain Mateo Mujkic.
On the Bench: Lajos Kocsis, James Loseille, Steve Reed, Kristian Bale, Callum Allan, Claus Damgaard, Jacob Lundbye.

1' And they're off! By the end of the day there will be joy and terror in two towns separated by a continent.

3' After two quick set pieces to start the match for the Turinese team, Mateo Mujkic fights hard for the ball. Too bad his cross was so errant.

4' Shirra looks a bit rusty from his three week layoff, but he's still able to get the ball to Thiago, who forces a save from Juve's veteran keeper Vincent Blom. Corner for Wrexham coming up.

5' The tight packed Piedmontese defense prevents any hope of scoring and now it's Juventus on the attack, but the offensive ends in a tame shot from range that Minami has no trouble with.

7' Juventus are clearly aware of Scott Shirra's injury status, they've been giving him the business every time he touches the ball. Wrexham get the auld onion bag up to the six yard box, but Ellis Rickard fails to connect before Blom gobbles it up.

9' Felix Gonzalez takes one too many touches on a breakaway where Juventus had two men unmarked in the box, and Kojiro Minami is able to get to the cross before Marcos Munoz could head it home into the looming net.

10' A terrible touch by young Ellis Rickard costs Wrexham their best look at the goal of the day. It's one more sign that Wrexham's youth movement is not what it used to be. Juventus counter and get off another cracking shot that goes just wide of the post.

13' Dramane Tounkara earns a yellow card for a rash challenge, you can't trust anyone under thirty as I always said, and Juventus promptly take the game to the Welsh club, forcing Minami to make a save on an attempt by the utterly unmarked left wingback Miso Babnik, and then requiring Rodrigo Moctezuma to clear a ball aimed by Felix Gonzalez at the inside of the far post on the ensuing corner.

15' Shirra earns a card for tripping striker Mark Stam at midfield and referee Felix Byrch is having none of Wrexham's thuggery. You can always trust the Germans to discipline the rabble, as my grandfather used to say.

18' After almost twenty minutes Wrexham's mighty Pyramid has managed a single shot, surely a sign of the superior culture and style of the Juventus defense. There is nothing more lovely than seeing 9 Juventus kits in perfect alignment, shutting down the so called high powered offense of the American "God-King."

21' I have to admit, there has been more verve in Wrexham's step these past few minutes, but nothing stops an attack like good Italian defense and the Yank-lovers are still stuck on one shot.

23' Another terrible touch by Ellis Rickard costs Wrexham possession, it's becoming embarrassing.

26' Glorious Italian defense continues to make life miserable for Brown's boys, and the Yank is being reminded as is right that football is a sport where scores of seven to nil are outrageous and a sure sign of a diseased mind on the winning side.

27' But really, what sort of peasant scores seven goals? That is not a proper number for football. 1-0, or 0-1, or best of all 0-0 are the lines that should grace the sporting sections of our highest quality newspapers such as the Daily Mail.

29' Juventus continue to steer the Wrexham midfield and wings to places where they can't cause any harm, and the score remains nil-nil, exactly as God and the Queen intended.

30' Outrage! The fatheaded American "wonderkid" Rodrigo Moctezuma scythes down Felix Gonzalez at midfield, but Byrch keeps his cards pocketed. This type of leniency is why America is a wasteland of violent crime and pregnant teenagers!

32' Juventus are committed to playing it safe, on a throw-in parallel to the penalty area they had a solitary man forward in the box.

35' Felix Gonzalez, the fine Paraguayan wingback, has wreaked havoc on Wrexham's flank all game. Momentum has clearly shifted back to the Turinese club after a stretch where Wrexham saw most of the ball.

38' Wrexham are compiling a goodly number of corners, with six thus far, but the steady, experienced defense of Juventus has denied them any notion of pulling ahead.

39' Once again Felix Gonzalez gets loose down the left side, but once again he is just a little too slow in getting his cross away. One of these times, Brown, you will pay.

40' Scott Shirra sees his pocket picked in his own penalty area, and Minami is forced to make another stop. Terrible awareness by a young man too built up by the adulations of the crowd and the myth of "the Golden Boy."

41' Shirra tries to make up for his mental lapse with a shot from the edge of the area, but that's not going to work when there's a line of black and white jerseys before the net.

42' Scott Shirra has been in the middle of everything these last couple of minutes. Now he earns a free kick for his club in a dangerous spot about twenty meters out, but Thiago sends it harmlessly high and wide.

45'+2 It's been all Juventus again for these closing minutes in the first half, but no luck for the champions of all that's right and just. We go to halftime knotted in a scoreless draw.

Haltime Thoughts: Juventus should be winning this tilt. Wrexham have looked poor all day, and only the Yank's diabolical pact with Satan himself has kept them from conceding. Scott Brown's vaunted Pyramid offense has been proven a lie, and just one goal is needed to collapse his house of cards and prove him the charlatan he's been since he made mock of me all those years ago.

46' We begin again. Within 45 minutes I expect the hue and cry around Coach Brown to take quite a different tone from the congratulatory pap that has caressed his eardrums for so many years.

48' With the leaden touch shown by Wrexham all day one would think that they had been trained by a man who didn't even know what a football was. Oh, wait. That's right, they were trained by an American.

52' Juventus continue to press Wrexham high up the pitch with their strike tandem, and while the match is still scoreless the proud Bianconeri have twice the shots of the upjumped and overrated Red Dragons.

54' How dare the referee give defensive midfielder Juraj Medgyes a yellow card for tripping Kamel Zouaghi for the fourth time in three minutes! He didn't even try to break the young Frenchman's leg! Wrexham works the ball forward from the spot of the free kick, but even when the Mighty Meteor Mujkic is given a clear shot on goal he sends it right to the keeper.

56' The American teen Moctezuma finally does something right, intercepting a pass deep in Juventus territory and sending it to Ellis Rickard for a shot, but the ensuing effort doesn't even come close to troubling Vincente Blom.

57' That's the last we'll see of Scott Shirra and Rodrigo Moctezuma, and good riddance. Callum Allan and James Loseille replace them. Loseille will track Felix Gonzalez, who will no longer get to abuse the latest "face of American football."

60' PENALTY!

60' Matthias Laux is whistled for a penalty, and the prayers of all right thinking subjects of the Crown are answered! The replays are showing that it was an extremely doubtful call that the referee was in no position to see, but such human influence is what makes football the greatest sport in the world! Glorious!

61' GOAL! Juventus 1, Wrexham 0!

62' That's right Brown! You deserve this! I was always the better choice for manager at Tackleford! I deserved the glory this whole time! Me! Ed Phillips! Not you, you Yank wanker!

63' With Juventus's defense there's no way Wrexham can come back and equalize. This game is over, and you can take it to the bank!

64' WREXHAM SUCKS. TACKLEFORD RULES.

65' Juventus is playing a disciplined match, and the desperation of Wrexham is showing. Off target passes, poor crosses, and weak shots, That's the Wrexham way!

67' OH NO! NO! HE WAS OFFSIDE. OR HE HELD A DEFENDER BACK. NO. THIAGO DID NOT JUST EQUALIZE! IMPOSSIBLE!

70' No matter, I know Wrexham will fall. It will happen as surely as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

71' Still no substitutions for Juventus, they know that fresh legs might be needed in the case of extra time. Is Brown aware of that? Even a Yank couldn't be that ignorant, could they? Oh, I just answered my own question, didn't I.

72' Juventus has started tackling harder, a proper move against cowards and cravens as populate Wrexham. Get stuck in, lads! Break their legs!

75' It looks like three players are warming up on the Bianconeri bench. Good, let their fresh legs be the ruin of Wrexham!

77' Marcos Munoz slips a Dramane Tounkara tackle and he's off to the races. His run is perfect but for the shot, which slips frustratingly wide.

78' Matthias Laux makes the exact same tackle on Juraj Medgyes as he made when the penalty was given, but the referee does not give it again. Shame on him.

81' Felix Gonzalez has put on a performance of the highest order today, and I'd say that even if I were not wholeheartedly pulling for his success. He has been devastating on his side of the pitch, and nearly restores the Juventus lead finding Mark Stam wide open in front of the net. Only a desperate Kojiro Minami coming off his line to pop the ball up and just over the crossbar keeps the score level.

83' Neither side has seen much success with their passing. Wrexham is completing just 71% of theirs while Juventus barely eek out six of ten. Credit to the Juventus defense for mucking up the midfield, and obviously their lower completion rate is due to playing a more direct game rather than anything Wrexham's defenders are doing.

84' A Wrexham breakaway is snuffed out by Thiago's inability to pull the trigger. A fitting failure for the most overrated striker of the past decade. A toddler with the body control of a sloth could score as well with the service he's been given by his teammates.

86' Oh so nearly there for the side of light, justice, and brotherhood! Marcos Munoz was clear through the offside trap with only Kojiro Minami to beat, but the Japanese keeper stonewalled yet another shot.

88' Two minutes until full time and still no substitution by Juventus. I cannot wait to see what the fresh legs do to Wrexham's teetering defense in the next 30 minutes.

90' There will be two minutes of stoppage time. Wrexham look utterly bereft of ideas, backpassing to Minami repeatedly and not even trying to get the ball forward.

90'+1 Oh so nearly there for Juventus again, as this time Kevin Tooth sends the would be winner wide from long range.

90'+2 Onto extra time.

Full Time Thoughts: It is only a matter of thirty minutes before that fraud is revealed and forced to crawl back under whatever rock he spawned. There is no way Wrexham can win. It may be vicarious, but I still feel victorious.

91' Brown has made his final move, adding another attacker in the ludicrous misapprehension that his problem is not enough men forward. It will be a tough blow for young Jacob Lundbye when he realizes that his manager is a moron. Forward Vasily Kondratyuk comes on for Juventus, but otherwise there are no changes. Prudent to reserve two substitutions in order to assure that they don't go down to ten men in case of injuries.

94' Wrexham are playing sluggishly, a result no doubt of their manager's insistence on an all cheese hamburger and chips diet. What would an American know about proper food anyways.

95' GOAL JUVENTUS!

96' MATEO MUJKIC FAILS HIS TEAMMATES BY ONCE AGAIN FAILING TO MARK HIS MAN AND ALLOWS MISO BABNIK TO SCORE WHAT MUST BE THE WINNER!

98' Wrexham are so pathetic, their attacking players are just sitting around in a line and not coming deep to link up with the midfielders and move the ball upfield. They're unwilling to work to help themselves, classic Labour voters the lot of them. Callum Allan acts like a spoiled brat, tripping Kondratyuk, and earns a yellow card for it. I would have given him a red.

102' Desperation from Isaac Stringel as he tries to lift Wrexham onto his back, but he's only one man against a well organized squadron of fresh footed defenders and he's stuck in a formation designed by an imbecile. Defensive midfielder Rene De Bruyn comes on for Juventus to solidify their midfield, a perfect example of patience paying dividends.

104' Thiago wastes a free kick by firing it into a mass of black and white shirts, and we are rapidly approaching halftime in extra time.

Half time in Extra Time: It is glorious! I feel wonderful! Wrexham look completely impotent!

106' James Loseille starts the final frame by passing the ball right to Vyacheslev Klyagin, and then tripping him. How droll!

108' Wrexham is too worn out to keep pressing for the ball. You can put it in the books! Scott Brown is a fraud!

110' Ten minutes! The champagne is on ice here in Tackleford!

112' A Mujkic cross goes begging, just as they all should. Meanwhile Juventus brings on it's final substitute, they currently have two strikers, two wingbacks, three centerbacks, and three defensive midfielders on the pitch. It's one of the loveliest things I've ever seen, and anyone who doesn't understand why doesn't understand the beautiful game.

113' OH THE HUMANITY! SOMEHOW WREXHAM HAS PULLED EVEN AGAIN!

113' It took that worthless Thiago two efforts to do it, but we're even at two with seven minutes to play. This is impossible. I can feel the tension as a radiating pain in my jaw and arm, but I am faithful that we shall win out in penalties.

114' Kondratyuk could have won the match for Juventus and put these Welsh peasants in their place, but he took too long with his shot and allowed Hammatt to clear.

115' A corner for Wrexham, but Vincent Blom gets above everyone else to stop these pestilential Dragons.

117' Mujkic dives to the ground in the box as if shot, and I don't care if the replay shows that his legs were taken out from beneath him and that it was a penalty, the result is just so long as it puts paid to Brown's hopes and dreams.

119' It's turned into a ding-dong battle in these final minutes, a far cry from the pleasing, negative football that epitomizes the favorite sport of the whole world outside of piggish and uncivilized Yankees.

120' We've one minute of stoppage time, this will be decided by penalty shoot out.

120'+1 To penalties we go. Justice will be done for Tackleford. Scott Brown will prove a fraud, or I shall cut out my lying tongue and lop off my lying hands.

Penalties: I've been told that we've got a live feed from the stadium, if you can stand the tension for a minute or two longer I will embed it below.

Penalty takers:
Wrexham: Matthias Laux, Mateo Mujkic, James Loseille, Callum Allan, Isaac Stringel.
Juventus: Rene De Bruyn, Felix Gonzalez, Mikel Santamaria, Miso Babnik, Vasily Kondratyuk.

I... I don't think I'll be able to write anymore. I feel faint. My fingers are numb... My chest feels like it's in a vise. I should go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT4e0nvp9Fg

(Highly recommended that you play this, cued up at 2m16s and started just before the penalty kicks video begins for optimal timing as the score for the shootout, and watch the shootout in full screen at highest possible resolution)




Wrexham p 2-2 Juventus